It was 4am on a January Sunday morning in Bristol. The birds were slowly awakening in their nests and fumbling for light switches. The city streets were silent, albeit for sporadic clusters of drunks and tramps and milkmen. A haggle of women were vomiting up the evening delirium, on a nearby kebab shop window, whilst the owners looked on tired eyed and despondent. Meanwhile, Kingslington Jenkin, was busy awakening an entire block of flats, pressing each button, with a detailed drunken stupor of precision, and shouting incoherent obscenities at the poor souls, who dared to answer him. He did not care, he did not live here.
On Anstom road, two men were approaching each other. Philip Graem, was returning from one of the best nights of his life; he had been out with a lady, for dinner and then onto a hip hop club for an evening of dancing. Although many people would consider this to be the description of a regular night out for them, one has to understand Philip’s situation. Phillip was thirty years old and 4 foot tall. He was what the some people may refer to as a midget. However he preferred the term ‘vertically challenged, but willing to aspire to greater heights.’
It was not often he would meet women, never mind, one so wonderful as Rebecca Sleep. He had only ever slept with one other women; having lost his virginity in an East Bristol brothel through loneliness and curiosity when he was twenty three. It was an experience which he had from the very moment after ejaculation, forcefully attempted to erase. I will reveal little else of this experience, except that she had been a monster of a women, 18 stone, and had insisted upon calling him ‘china cup’ throughout intercourse.
Rebecca, on the other hand, was everything he had ever desired, she was intelligent and beautiful and saw past his midget status and deep into his heart. They had met only, a few days ago, yet had already declared their love for each other. And tonight , she had invited him back to hers after dancing, with a plan for a night of passion, but he had played the perfect gentleman and refused on the grounds that he wished to be completely sober, when they do make love for the first time, so that he will remember it forever.
Rebecca, thought this was an extremely beautiful sentiment, and it had made her love him even more than she already did. She was currently sleeping dreamily, wrapped in her satin sheets and smiling.
Philip was now also heading home to bed, with his mind whirling yellow and red and purple with deep pleasure; for so many years, he had felt unloved and had longed for someone to share his life with, and now, he had finally found her, and she loved him too! Carried away by this thought, he clicked his heels high in the air in celebration.
Approaching Philip, was Henry Truffleton, or ‘Truffle’ as he was known to his friends. Truffle had been out all weekend, and had been involved in some serious debauchery. It had begun in the usual way, with the gang convening at the Prune and Wall at around 8pm, and after a few drinks in celebration of the weekend freedom which sat firmly in front of them, they drove forth into town, and eventually to the Pillingkrunk for a night of most pleasurable techno house. A few pills dropped, a couple of drinks spilt, and some outrageous dancing then ensued, until the very early hours.
He had awoken early Saturday morning, on a couch at a house he did not recognise, surrounded by people he did not know. Slipping an unopened bottle of red wine up his jacket sleeve, he stealthily slipped out the door and into the white wine light of daytime. Saturday, was his favourite day of the week, a full day of obliteration!
And after a few minutes of confused wandering, he soon began to recognise where he was and realised he was not at all far away from Giles’ flat. Ten minutes later, he was sitting on Giles’ couch, a cup of tea in his hand, and a spliff being passed over to him by a skinny teenage Moroccan woman called Ula. He toked deeply upon it, and held it in, allowing it to soothe his early morning head. After a few minutes of sitting and gazing and thinking, he then pestered Giles for some breakfast. Giles replied with a Sausage on toast, which he wolfed down in seconds, and then swiftly cracked open the wine. Today was to be the big one. They were to head over to Graham’s quite soon, for an afternoon acid and mushroom session; which they had been planning for weeks. The vague plan after this was to head towards Psychokick; a local psychedelic trance night, for an evening of comfy seats and mind altering explorations. This was were Henry was returning from, as he approached Phillip on the early morning street.
Just over an hour ago, Henry had run away from his friends; he had considered them to be plotting against him. It had been around midnight, when he had first spotted the conspiring nose twitches they were making to each other across the table, and at the first opportunity which had presented itself, he had fled from the club. His jeans were currently soaking wet up to his knees, as he had spent the last half an hour standing in a nearby stream and listening. The stream had soothed him, its late night flow had whispered calm words and he now felt much happier and at ease. The nightclub frame of mind banished, as he walked jovially home. Henry was giggling to himself and muttering words, whilst with his expanding eyes he surveyed the clouds; they had become a palette of swirling colour, vibrations and light; blue mixed with yellow and pink and white, and if he tilted his head at different angles, the world around him changed with each movement. As he was performing these actions, he heard a noise call into his ears from close by, his eyes panned down immediately towards the pavement in front of him, and as they did, he saw something jump up high into the clouds, click its heels and return magically to the ground. It was a goblin, he was certain of this. Because as he had been clambering down through the woods, toward the river, after fleeing the club, the trees had shouted out ferocious warnings to him, that goblins, may be in the area tonight. Yet his time in the river had soothed his mind, and he had quickly forgotten. That is until this moment. Without hesitation, he let out a piercing scream, beat his fists on his chest and ran at a great pace toward the goblin. As their bodies clashed, momentum was victorious and Henry, having taken it by surprise, now held the goblin pinned to the floor. He positioned his knees upon the goblins chest and shoulders, yet still the goblin tried to squirm loose, and as he did, Henry yelled, ‘ye shall not perform a magical ruse upon my watch!’ and began to plunge his fists deep into the goblins tiny face, until it did not squirm anymore.
It had taken Henry over an hour to reach his flat, it should only have taken him fifteen minutes, but he did not normally have to make use of trees as cover and carry a goblin upon his shoulders. As soon as he reached the sanctuary of his third floor flat, he put the unconscious goblin into the bathtub, locked the bathroom door, from the outside, and raced into the kitchen in search of rope and tape. Henry, was not the sort of person, who owned much rope, he was not the outdoor type. Instead, he improvised, using belts and ties and scarves to chasten the goblin’s magical hands and treacherous feet, and using masking tape he silenced its putrid mouth. He then transported the goblin into the hallway, and skilfully using his left foot he opened the door beneath the stairs. He threw the goblin inside, and as he did, it clattered into his golf clubs and a pair of old speakers as it fell into the darkness of the cupboard. He then firmly shut the door, and moved the TV cabinet from the lounge into place, so that blocked the doorway. After positioning it flush to the wall, Henry stepped back, took a deep intake of breath, and said, ‘there you go evil being, you shanty be drawing upon the powers of daylight to use your magic upon me’.
Satisfied, with himself, Henry withdrew his army to the kitchen, for the next stage of the battle; sustenance. An hour later, he awoke standing up, but with his head lying on the kitchen work surface, to a horrendous banging noise which emanated from beyond the kitchen door. He recovered his memory, and recalled the Goblin and rushed instantly into the Hallway. However, it not the stair cupboard door, from which the banging was stemming from, but from his own front door. As he opened it, he was greeted by two anxious looking faces and four blood red eyes, whom he remembered as Giles and Graham. They were staring at him oddly, their eyes were bulging blossom, and strange sounds were springing out of their mouths in a fantastic rainbow of colour, which touched his face, soon there hands were also touching his face, and this confused him. He panicked and attempted to shut the door. But they forced themselves in, and as they did this he fell to the floor. As they picked him up, he noticed that the space in which his head had lay, was now covered in droplets of rouge snow and black letters. They took him to the lounge, and placed him upon the sofa. The one he recognised as Giles, left the room, and then almost immediately returned with a bucket and a sponge, with which he began to dab his forehead with. As he squeezed the sponge into the bucket, red ribbons dispersed across the room, and he had to cover his eyes, so they couldn’t get in. Giles and Graham kept speaking in words which he could not comprehend, their words were simply vibrations of light and air which would spill from their facial orifices and flower throughout the room. Because of this, he was unsure as to whether they would be able to understand him, but he thought it only right to warm them of the Goblin. As soon, as he mentioned the word, he noticed their complexions change. Fearful images appeared upon their faces, and he knew they understood. They had both stepped back, and were again staring at him oddly, the same as they had been when he had answered the door. Nevertheless, he continued to explain ‘The goblin wanted to use his magic on me, but I caught the nasty creature before he could, I’ve tied him up good and tight, he’s in my cupboard’. Immediately Giles rushed out of the room, and a minute later, was to be heard, screaming from the hallway, and without delay, Graham rushed out to join him.
Observing this, Henry instantaneosly jumped up from the sofa, shrieking the words ‘Goblin! Goblin!’ and rushed out toward his friends. However, he was met at the door by Giles, who forced him back into the room and shut the door. Henry, was left alone inside the room. There were many horrific noises coming from outside the door, and he tried to open it again, but something once more held it closed. ‘Perhaps, the Goblin has locked it whilst he eats my friends’ Henry contemplated momentarily, before reconsidering, ‘perhaps there all in it together, and they are going to eat me.’. This second notion sent Henry into a panic, and he began to run in circles around the room. He heaved at the door, again still no use, he kicked the door, he kicked the wall, he knocked over some photos. His mind was growing increasingly anxious, he was sweating profusely, and his body had begun to spasm with fear. His face was a bruised plumb. He could see no alternative, and without hesitation ran straight toward the window, a few feet away from it he leaped, and as the glass shattered around him, he felt the fresh air kiss his face. He was free, and as he fell to ground he screamed in delight ‘No goblin get me! No goblin